I wanted to write few hours ago when I was still excited about my so called epiphany. I am very disturbed and annoyed by the silly Asia Muse Search contest which is taking place just in front of the gallery: two dozens of heavy made-up and up-doed chinese girls, labeled with numbers, competing for God know what, with very terrible dancing and singing skills. Let’s now try to recover the excitement deep within despie the very annoying thing taking place and the enraging noise. My revelation is about what I want to do with my life. Yes, that big news. So, whether it is something that is really serious or whether it is something that I want to convince myself about, that, I don’t know. What I do know at the moment is that it makes me really excited and that it gives a sense of purpose to what I am doing, and that I know will make me happy. 
The thing is, I know I have talent. In what, I don’t know. Maybe my talent resides in my personality and the fact that I am extremely perseverant and that I know will achieve whatever goal I set for myself. And the problem is exactly that I haven’t set any goal for myself for the last three months, and this is for sure the reason why I have stagnated lately in my life. Yes, I have failed the Best Job in the World Australia contest, I also haven’t got a negative responce from the Brunei Darussalam Governmental Scholarship Program, and these are considered as my two best failures of 2013, and probably of my life, as God made it that I am not used to failure. However, I will try to explain these phenomenons as the fact that they are not meant to be and that I am sure that there is something way better for me out there. From now on, I will stop reminding myself about my failures and focus on my next goal. Okay, the current situation is that I am here in Malaysia, which I like very much, despite the crappy job. I am currently working on the field of sales in real estate, and this is increadibly boring especially because it depends on the moods of customers and on whether they are willing to show up at this shitty gallery or not. Yes, I have a degree in the very serious field of political science, yet, I am here. Positive side of the situation: I am in foreigh country which I really appreciate (although I’ve seen better), with people I love, with the possibility of saving money for paying for my living expenses while I will be doing a master (assuming that I will get a scholarship). That been said, I would like now to trace the genesis of my dreams aspiration since I was in primary school (since I don’t really remember what I wanted to do when I was in kinder garden). Umm, maybe after all I won’t tell them in order. I had an “I want to be an astronot period”, like everyone, I guess. I knew I wasn’t so good at maths, and even worst in physics, but I wanted to go to the moon so badly. At the time I didn’t think about the fact that astronots went to the moon only once in the history of humanity, and that was in 1969 . My reasoning was the following: if I could manage to get very rich, maybe by the time I am 30 or 35, there will be moon tourism and I won’t have to get into so much maths and physics to go to the moon. Then, I had my “I want to be a Minister of the Environment”. Yes, I was deeply into ecology and environment, and I thought the only way to change the things in my country was to get into top government positions. Everyone in my family encouraged me until I realized that I also wanted to be a pilot because I could travel anywhere and after all it was the main motivation for all of my career plans. Then I went through a period where I didn’t knwo at all what I wanted, and that was college.
I chose my degree because its title looked very fancy, “Bachelor of Arts in International Relations”. For some reasons, I felt like with a degree like this, I could conquer the world. Furthermore, to be even more honest, I didn’t really choose my degree, my degree chose me. Yet, I think it is one of the best things that happened to me, and that it will play a major role in helping me conquering the world.
During my four years at university, I enjoyed all the topics I got to study, ranging from politics to law. It helped me understand better the world I live in, It opened my eyes. I always had the desire to be a journalist as I am obsessed with documentaries and film making, and even though I haven’t had any experience in this field, I know I would be good in it. Whenever I would talk about being a journalist with my dad, he would tell me that it wasn’t the right thing for me, and that I should look into a more serious profession, because journalists in my country were not really taken seriously. So I just followed this advice and driven back my own dream. Now, I feel more than ever that I am not meant to be in business or finance, because I want to explore the world, and meet people and tell stories.
When my advisor Dr. Ross asked me during my exit exam what I wanted to do after my bachelor, I answered that I was going to do a Master in Luxury Management and Marketing. He was pretty chocked. He answered furiously that it was at the opposite of everything I studied during the last four years. That if I understood well my class, I should know that it is exploitation and capitalism.
Now there is this debate going in my head. Do I want to be rich, or do I want to do what I like? I think that the answer looks pretty obvious to me now, I want to be happy and I want to make my dreams happy, and most of all I dont want to make money my priority.
My plan is now the following. I am going to endure one full year in my company, I will save some money. Then I will go to New York to pursue Columbia or NYU’s master in journalism. I will put this goal in my head so that I wont be distracted by any other trivial want that comes to my mind, It feels just like a revelation, just like seeing the light at the end of a tunnel.
Z Wonderland 