Ode to my Mother

She always says that the love of a mother for her child is unconditional. She explains further that when a child is born, there is a natural instinct engraved by God in a mother’s heart, that makes her simply love and care for her offspring. The fact is, I’m not so sure it applies to all mothers, but what I am sure of, is that it applies to my mother.

Like all relationships, ours have been filled with ups and down; at the extent I used to believe she was the person I loved and hated the most. It took me a long time, as a rebel teenager, to realize that all she wanted for me was to be the best. The best of the best.

She expects so much but is so indulgent. She acknowledges the effort more than the accomplishment. She always has the right word to encourage you and give you the will to be a better person.

She always says parenting is not something you learn in a manual guide. You learn it on the go and you make the choices which you think are best for your children. I know she took parenting very seriously. She spent hours discussing, debating, arguing, explaining to me her decisions. She may not have always taken the best ones, but she always took what she thought was the best.

Today, and until the end of times, she will remain the person I respect, admire and love the most in the whole world.

I don’t love her because we are related by blood and because she is my mother. I love her because she taught me things I couldn’t ever value. She taught me to not fit into the molds that society has designed for us. She thought me to be proud. She taught me to be different. I don’t care about anyone’s opinion but hers for the simple reason that my true reflection is in her eyes, and her eyes alone.

They say that real love is hard to find. One can spend a lifetime without getting a glimpse of it. I am happy to say that I found real love in my mother because I know no one will ever love me or care for me the way she does. When I am sick, it feels like she is the one in pain. When I am worried, my worries become hers. When I am happy, she is happier. She puts my well-being before hers. And that is the exact definition of love.

Someday, I want to make her really proud. I want her to feel all the love and respect I have for her. In this world and the other, I want her to see the fruits of her hard work. I want her to be able to say with the highest satisfaction: “Yes, this is my daughter”.

Queen of Sorrow:

Life is confusing. Life is anything but stable. And no matter how hard you try, life is never going to be a serie of successive happy event. In fact, some might live their whole lives without ever finding happiness. Because what is happiness supposed to be: a constant, stable state of pleasure. They say happiness wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t because of pain. It is only this contrast between the two opposite that makes happiness desirable. What would be pleasure without pain, or pain without pleasure?

However, life is still tiring. Life sucks all the energy from your body, Life is such a pain for those who think too much as much as those who don’t think at all. All the inspiration is gone now. How is it sometimes that you have all the words to express how you feel, but at the moment of delivering them, they are just lost in the air?  like they have never existed. But yet they did. Sometimes I think that if the Big Bang didn’t happen, there would be no suffering, no pain, no pleasure, nothing. Nought. Instead, we are here, and by God’s will, we have to survive in this world frustrated, tormented and deluded by both pleasure and pain. Because he exist, I know that. I just don’t understand the purpose of all this play that we are all acting in.  It would have been easier if we could talk to God, if he could give us the support we need to carry on, if he could give more meaning to this universe. They say you go to pray.  Prayer appease you. Yes, true. But you don’t get any questions answered. Sometimes you just feel that God is not even looking at you. Or has forgotten you. And that moment, you want to look at the sky (because you think God is somewhere there), and just shout “God, I am here”. Then you feel like he has other things to do, and he is watching us all being miserable and struggling with life, sitting on his golden throne. And we will never know how does he look like? How does his voice sound? What does he think of us? Does he love us? Then why are we so tormented? What is love anyway?

Feelings are to most of us a subject of amazement and mystery. They are ruling the world.They interweave, they go from one extreme to another without prior notice. You will never be sure about them. Certainty is relative. You cannot even be sure of your tastes. Today you love something or someone, then tomorrow you get enough of it. They will leave you thinking all night about death and life. They will make you feel secure, then unsecure. Secure again, then unsecure. You will feel the strongest person on earth, then, the most miserable. They will basically do that all your life, and even if you find peace of mind at some point, and you are not lucky enough to die when you find it, then it will continue to bring you up and down like a roller coaster.

 

Epiphany of the Day:

I wanted to write few hours ago  when I was still excited about my so called epiphany. I am very disturbed and annoyed by the silly Asia Muse Search contest which is taking place just in front of the  gallery: two dozens of heavy made-up and up-doed chinese girls, labeled with numbers,  competing for God know what, with very terrible dancing and singing skills. Let’s now try to recover the excitement deep within despie the very annoying thing taking place and the enraging noise. My revelation is about what I want to do with my life. Yes, that big news. So, whether it is something that is really serious or whether it is something that I want to convince myself about, that, I don’t know. What I do know at the moment is that it makes me really excited and that it gives a sense of purpose to what I am doing, and that I know will make me happy. The thing is, I know I have talent. In what, I don’t know. Maybe my talent resides in my personality and the fact that I am extremely perseverant and that I know will achieve whatever goal I set for myself. And the problem is exactly that I haven’t set any goal for myself for the last three months, and this is for sure the reason why I have stagnated lately in my life. Yes, I have failed the Best Job in the World Australia contest, I also haven’t got a negative responce from the Brunei Darussalam Governmental Scholarship Program, and these are considered as my two best failures of 2013, and probably of my life, as God made it that I am not used to failure. However, I will try to explain these phenomenons as the fact that they are not meant to be and that I am sure that there is something way better for me out there. From now on, I will stop reminding myself about my failures and focus on my next goal. Okay, the current situation is that I am here in Malaysia, which I like very much, despite the crappy job. I am currently working on the field of sales in real estate, and this is increadibly boring especially because it depends on the moods of customers and on whether they are willing to show up at this shitty gallery or not. Yes, I have a degree in the very serious field of political science, yet, I am here. Positive side of the situation: I am in foreigh country which I really appreciate (although I’ve seen better), with people I love, with the possibility of saving money for paying for my living expenses while I will be doing a master (assuming that I will get a scholarship). That been said, I would like now to trace the genesis of my dreams aspiration since I was in primary school (since I don’t really remember what I wanted to do when I was in kinder garden). Umm, maybe after all  I won’t tell them in order. I had an “I want to be an astronot period”, like everyone, I guess. I knew I wasn’t so good at maths, and even worst in physics, but I wanted to go to the moon so badly. At the time I didn’t think about the fact that astronots went to the moon only once in the history of humanity, and that was in 1969 . My reasoning was the following: if I could manage to get very rich, maybe by the time I am 30 or 35, there will be moon tourism and I won’t have to get into so much maths and physics to go to the moon. Then, I had my “I want to be a Minister of the Environment”. Yes, I was deeply into ecology and environment, and I thought the only way to change the things in my country was to  get into top government positions. Everyone in my family encouraged me until I realized that I also wanted to be a pilot because I could travel anywhere and after all it was the main motivation for all of my career plans. Then I went through a period where I didn’t knwo at all what I wanted, and that was college.

I chose my degree because its title looked very fancy, “Bachelor of Arts in International Relations”. For some reasons, I felt like with a degree like this, I could conquer the world. Furthermore, to be even more honest, I didn’t really choose my degree, my degree chose me. Yet, I think it is one of the best things that happened to me, and that it will play a major role in helping me conquering the world.

During my four years at university, I enjoyed all the topics I got to study, ranging from politics to law. It helped me understand better the world I live in, It opened my eyes. I always had the desire to be a journalist as I am obsessed with documentaries and film making, and even though I haven’t had any experience in this field, I know I would be good in it. Whenever I would talk about being a journalist with my dad, he would tell me that it wasn’t the right thing for me, and that I should look into a more serious profession, because journalists in my country were not really taken seriously. So I just followed this advice and driven back my own dream. Now, I feel more than ever that I am not meant to be in business or finance, because I want to explore the world, and meet people and tell stories.

When my advisor Dr. Ross asked me during my exit exam what I wanted to do after my bachelor, I answered that I was going to do a Master in Luxury Management and Marketing. He was pretty chocked. He answered furiously that it was at the opposite of everything I studied during the last four years. That if I understood well my class, I should know that it is exploitation and capitalism.

Now there is this debate going in my head. Do I want to be rich, or do I want to do what I like? I think that the answer looks pretty obvious to me now, I want to be happy and I want to make my dreams happy, and most of all I dont want to make money my priority.

My plan is now the following. I am going to endure one full year in my company, I will save some money. Then I will go to New York to pursue Columbia or NYU’s master in journalism. I will put this goal in my head so  that I wont be distracted by any other trivial want that comes to my mind,  It feels just like a revelation, just like seeing the light at the end of a tunnel.

Blue is my Color:

I will never understand why, when everything is just perfect, we, humans, start remembering the past. Is it physiological, biological? Is it related to menstrues? Do I have to know why it actually comes from? All I know is that last night I was simply blue.

I was blue because I remembered an old beautiful friendship that ended. As strong as I might be, I have to admit the fact that lots of things from my daily life remind me of her, and I am pretty sure that she feels the same way as well. I remember her crazy expressions, the food she likes when I want to order food, her favorite songs when I listen to the radio, the beautiful moments we spent together. The sad fact is I would prefer to die rather than talk to her again. I know that I already did enough. And that now it is up to her. She may not have been the smartest persons on earth, but we had lots of very interesting conversations that you cannot have with average people. The sad fact is again that she left me, her friend and sister, because of a guy, who was too possesive to accept the fact that she had the right to have friends as well. But I guess he was too jealous of our complicity and couldn’t accept that I was that close to her. What do you want, a real jerk… stupidest person ever. Anyway, now, even though miles away from her, when I think about it, it makes me so melancholic, it even makes me cry… simply because to my mind I cry over a dead person, because in my mind she is dead. And I know that we are too proud to try to repair what have been destroyed, and there is nothing we can do to fix what has been broken. Actually, whenever I think about it, I want to believe that there is still a chance, that even though both parties have been so hurt, they can still reconciliate as if nothing happened. What is going to happen? Maybe in few years, we will meet up by coincidence somewhere in this world, and we will try to catch up the lost time that we could have spent together. I miss her because no matter how I love my friends, they would never be able to replace the kind of relationship I had with her. I don’t have a sister, but she was a sister to me. She completed my sentenses and I completed hers. She knew exactly what I was thinking about at every moment, and I knew as well, and we could talk only with the eyes. She knew me more than anyone, and I knew her more than anyone. When we put  a term to our friendship, I felt like I’ve never known her. It’s funny how you think you know a person while you don’t know anything. You don’t know that they are so desperate about love that they will be able to deny all their world.

I was blue because I had a dream. A dream that was so beautifil, that when I woke up, I just had to face the sad reality. I was with my grandmother, she was hugging me so hard. She was talking to me. I don’t remember very well what she was saying, but she missed me for sure, and she loved me more than anything, as she used to love me when she still was in good health. When I woke up, I just realized that not only I was miles away from her, but that she was in her house in Rabat, more precisely in her room, that my grandfather was pretending to take good care of her and her sickness while he was only making her look like an invalid to not have to take her out with him, and to enjoy the very last days of her life. I am blue because I remember how she was when I was young. So energetic. So beautiful. So talkative. She always had a story to tell, and when she didn’t, she would tell you a story that you heard already. That would annoy us sometimes. But God, how  I would like to hear her telling a story, not even a story, just saying something. She had been sick for the last five years, and all the time, her sickness looks worse. I still have hope that one day my phone would ring and that she would be talking, telling me how she misses me, wishing me good luck in my work even though she doesn’t have any idea what I do, and telling me to take good care of myself. I love her. And I know she loves me. When I was close to her, I could see in her eyes that she would want to talk to me, like the old days. But she was so sad, so tired of herself and of this sickness that kills her everyday a little more that you could feel that she was only waiting for the day of salvation.

Tomorrow, I am not going to be blue. Hopefully. Tomorrow I am going to be happy, because monday is coming closer, and on monday I am going to take four days off to go to Bali, Indonesia.

Italian Guys in KL and the Propensity of Male to Get Magnetically Attracted to a Female’s Body:

So yesterday was Hari Raya in Malaysia, or what we Arabs call El Eid Assaghir. The religious holiday celebrates the end of Ramadan, and it is usually a family and prayer time. I was working that day , as opposed to most of the other collegues from my group, because we want to take these days to travel later. Enough of details. When we finished work, we went out to join the other girls in dowtown KL for a girls night out. We first had dinner in fridays, and then went to Marinis on 57, a nice restaurant and lounge with a magnificient view on the city.

Kuala Lumpur is just amazing by night. It has an impressive landscape and infrastruce but at the same time a quiet and calm aura. The lights are not agressive at all as we would expect in a shiny capital, and it is less superficial than any of the cities with gigantic skyscrapers.

 

Anyway so we went to this restaurant lounge Marini’s 57. It is a trendy place, full of young people in quest for an adventure. All my friends were really excited about the idea to find a nice group of guys. My friends are surely not looking for sex or anything of this kind, but since we don’t know anyone in KL yet, I feel like they would be open for a little romance.  As we entered in the lounge, we saw a group of four guys, all pretty handsome, young and very cute. We sat on a table, they started looking at our group, the girls were looking back… back and forth. After a moment,  a first one came to talk to us. He was very handsome, dark skin, sofisticated beard, good energy. He was looking at my friends and didn’t give me one look. I don’t know if it is because I didn’t look interested or because I wasn’t pretty enough. He and his friends were Italian, and he started the very well established scheme of conversation. Where are you from, what are you doig here blablabla… I just felt that he wasn’t interesting, so I just wasn’t trying to keep any eye contact at all.  Then his friend came, and the first guy started talking exclusively to the girl he was interested by. The second guy was just a revelation. I am really attracted to the guys who have nice conversation, and which are interesting. Giulio was increadibly cute, with such shyness and self-confidence but neither one or the other totally. He seemed to look at one of my friend. He seemed to be really interested by her. See, I was not at the top of my possible potential that day. Plus, I don’t like to put sexy, indecent clothes because I am the other type of feminist who strongly believe in wearing trendy but decent clothes in order to be looked at for her mind and not for her body. However, as interesting as you might be, guys would always look for the easiest choice which is the girls that is the most lightly clothed. During the conversation, whenever I was not talking (when one of the girls asked to steal the show and jocked about the fact that she wanted the guy for herself), everyone stoped talking because they couldn’t find a topic of discussion while Giulio and I had lots of things in common. I would say that I had a little crush and couldn’t understand why he would go for the “hot” girl, and why guys generally always go for the hot girl rather the interesting girl. I felt offended and my ego suffered a lot as I am always the one chased after and I don’t ever need to be lightly clothed for that.  I woudln’t say that I like smart and ugly guys. I like a minimum of good-looking, self-confidence and prooved intelligence. However, if the guy is dumb and freaking handsome, I wouldn’t give him a chance, because I believe in the importance of exchange and the need of an certain intellectual level to maintain a relationship.

Now instead of going into a lyrical description of Giulio’s beautiful David Beckham smile, and how his light British accent (his mum is British) makes me want to listen to him forever, and his beautiful strong arms… here are the pictures of Marinis 57, a very international place where you can find nice guys who are not looking for a conversation.

 

 

Ups and ups:

Time and space are not static. Either is mood. Since I came to this country, my mood could be resumed to a graph with a constant peak during the first two weeks, a dramatic regression during third week, and a rebirth in the third weak, achieving a higher peak than the first two weeks. In my psyche, monday symbolizes a new beggining. It is THE DAY to take new resolutions, to start a diet, to change haircut, or to endorse new principles. This week, I feel increadibly happy, and this was my new motto on monday. Don’t ask me why, I just do. Yesterday, I felt useful. Our work is made of different shifts in different locations. Sometimes we are at the mall’s gallery, with our lovely manager, Fairuz, but some other times, we are at a boring gallery in  the middle of nowhere, with some staff that couldn’t be less friendly. Most of them are Chineese. And Chineese don’t really like what or who is different. After work, we went to a beautiful nails place, and I haven’t had my nail done so well in such a long time. Theebah proposed it, and we got some time for some girls talk.  The place is called “Le Boudoir”, and its adress is the following

2, Jalan Telawi Satu, Bangsar Baru, 59100 Kuala Lumpur, Wilayah Persekutuan Kuala Lumpur, Malaisie

This is our second time hanging out together, along with Asma, and I just realized she studied International Relations as well. The place is so much different than usual nails places. It is romantic roccoco style, with light blue tones, vintage sofas, and very professional staff. We received news of death yesterday. Vini’s grandfather has passed away. He was as desperatley sick as my grandmother. And I couldn’t help it but to feel sad for both of us. You see, when someone grows old, sick, and doesn’t remember people from his family, he is already dead in the minds of his people. He or she is considered insane, not worth of going out, and the people who suffer the most around are patiently waiting for her to die  to release her pain and their pain as well. I cried so much for my grandmother during these last years, that I don’t even think I will be crying the day of her death. I love her so much, and the memory of her is still very present. However, she suffered a lot. So much that it is sad to say that say that some people might only remember her in her decline rather than during her golden age.

I wrote all of this article during my working hours at the gallery… There is absolutely nothing to do as clients are very rare today which makes it very boring for us.  This afternoon we are invited at “Buka buasa”. I have to say it is so hard to break fast which such unusual food as malay food, which none of us are used to. I am looking forward to the end of the day… Fasting becomes harder and harder. However, I still want to stick to my happy mood to keep more ups than downs.

Malaysian Diaries:

Ok, I know I am doing this very late and that I am such a procrastinator, always delaying todays work to tomorrow.  The whole spirit of this blog is to write every one of my ideas about different topics in order to keep track of my life, but also to be able in few years to remember moments where I felt emotionally and intellectually aroused. I know, I haven’t tried to update this blog since two years… and many things have happened since then. I travelled, I met new people, I had strong emotions.. However, because of my lack of memory, I just have vague memories of what happens in my life, and I have remembering the vibrant feelings that I have at a particular moment.

So, to catch up with things. Today is the 28th of August 2013. I just graduated from college, found a job in the other part of the world, haven tought twice, packed my things and came to Malaysia. I must say, it is not the perfect job I have been dreaming of. I have never dreamt about a job anyway. I always tought that my destiny in life will be so clear by the time I grow up the I will not have to find a ‘job’ like normal people. My destiny didn’t show up yet, and as the positive person that I am, I just didn’t complain and went for the good opportunities that presented themselves at the moment.

I work in sales of real property, which now seems like the most boring thing ever. I am going to give it two months. Either it is going to get better or I am going to get used to it. I hope it gets better. If it doesn’t, I am sure life (God) has a better plan for me.

The country is nice, people couldn’t be friendlier. Work is hectic… and boring. It would have been intersting, I would have felt tired, but I get tired when I am bored.. just that. Asians just don’t get to enjoy their lives, work all the time, and it feels like it makes them happy. I  currently have a strong desire to travel, to find my destiny… I guess that destiny can’t be found in routine.

I now have the will to keep track. And here are my malaysian diaries.